I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
