at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
