How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
