Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
