Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
