I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I just found a bag of teeth...
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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