The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
