I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
