PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize