I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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