mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
