I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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