You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
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