We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize