Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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