do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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