Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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