I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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