you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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