I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
