I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
