well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
