Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
