my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
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