I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
