Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
