in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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