she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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