You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Randomize
