Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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