we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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