i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
