Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
two words: eviction party
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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