is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
