Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
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