apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
question - sack: should she or should she not play with it during foreplay?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
