The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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