But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
