You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Randomize
