dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
