I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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