Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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