I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
