Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Randomize
