You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Randomize
