Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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