My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
