dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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