Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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