the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
