my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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