Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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