I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
