the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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