Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
he just fucked me for my cheese..
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
