Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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