I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
