I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
