You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
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