Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
