Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
