I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Randomize
