Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I wish there were birth control emojis
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
